Saturday, Aug. 13, 2005
Dotting My Eyes
Let me see if I can actually FINISH a post here. Took me about seven tries last night because of a series of interruptions and whatnot. I have already tried two or three times earlier today.
I haven't accomplished a single thing today except moping around the house and fixing a relatively healthy meal - a small piece of steak, steamed asparagus, and rice. I don't know if it's the weather or what, but I have felt like somebody wrung me out and forgot to hang me up to dry today. I've been curled up in a little, musty heap in the corner, feeling old and worn out and gray. Must be a boomerang effect after a few weeks of feeling on top of the world. I'm still puttering around in my nightgown, for heaven's sake. Unless I've had the flu or something comparable, I don't think I've ever done that before!
That's still infinitely prefereable to where I was a few years back, or even a few months back. While I'm not exactly at my peak, I also recognize that it's a temporary mood swing, it's an internal operation, and it will pass. There was a time I couldn't see that set of facts for myself.
There was also a time when my "bad mood" lasted more than a decade with virtually no letup. Now I know that it doesn't have to be that way, and I refuse to permit it to get that bad. While you can't just think yourself out of depression, there are a lot of things you can do to help, including sleeping and eating right - both of which I'm trying to do now. I took a brief nap this afternoon after getting shorted on sleep overnight last night. Night before last I slept from 5pm to 5am, though I was awake for roughly an hour during that period.
I also write here instead of on paper. It's weird but that does make a difference. When I write on paper I dissect minutae and use out-of-synch-with-reality rationale to dismiss good things I know to be true, slamming them down with brutal intellect that happens, coincidentally, to be dead wrong. Here, with a limited audience, I know y'all won't let me get away with that. Someone will express concern about it and my guilt-o-meter will force me to put it down straight.
Sometimes censorship can be a good thing, believe it or not. Having readers forces me to be more honest with myself; to say, "It's not really that bad." Or in the case of ex-boss and that fiasco, "You dingbat - you should've been out of here months ago. What are you waiting for??" I also go back and re-read my own entries - as I did in the case of T, when I could just as easily have walked away from the best thing that ever happened to me.
I don't know if anyone else has done that, but it constitutes evidence to me, my own words reminding me of how far I've come, particularly in the past three months. It reinforces that I've generally made good judgment calls. Not batting 1000, obviously, since I'm still human; but neither do I need to avert my eyes when I look in the mirror.
Thunder is rumbling outside again... I put off going to the studios but really need to get there and start backing everything up, plus need to make a couple of minor changes to tomorrow's schedule. My own fault; I wasn't paying attention when I loaded one of my programs and I am pretty sure I put the segments out of order.
While all three computers were up and running yesterday while I was there, a direct lightning strike virtually guarantees that we'll start having problems in the next few days. Nothing electronic is designed to withstand something of that magnitude, even with the UPS and surge protectors. While it was probably those layers of protection that allowed us to get back on the air so quickly, I still expect to lose at least one computer, and potentially all three. I lost my first computer to a lightning strike. It seemed to work fine for a few days, then... R.I.P.
The fresh air is nice. I opened the back door here at home and I am guessing the temperature is in the high 60's F. Nice and cool without being uncomfortable. If I weren't too broke to pay attention, I'd probably go to the movies. I never did get my DVD player, either, which was a boneheaded lack of foresight on my part. I could at least have rented a DVD with the cash in my purse. I might even actually have enough for the movies, if I get my butt up and GO. I've heard several people tell me that Wedding Crashers is good. Not sure what else is out there nowadays. (Isn't the new Harry Potter movie due out this year, too? I can't remember.)
Of course that requires me to get dressed and make myself relatively presentable. Humph. Have to do that to go to work, too. I think I'll also open some windows - at least the one in the kitchen and one of the two in my computer room, since they open onto the porch and the carport, respectively. I don't want rain in the house, but the place could definitely stand an airing out. I need to clean the carpet; it's pretty danged musty. Once the rain moves out I think that's something I'll do.
In the interim, I guess I'll go start transferring our backup files to the external hard drive, make my change to tomorrow's log, and if nothing else, go for a drive. Just that action does wonders for my psyche.
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )