Saturday, Sept. 03, 2005
Of Two Or More Minds And None Work
Supposedly you should always trust your instincts. What about when your instincts have a split personality that diverges into a few dozen directions?
From time to time I get asked to do web design for businesses and organizations, and I was asked again yesterday. This is a paid project and God knows I could use the money. Trouble is that unlike a Diaryland template, which is fairly simple to create (and once done, it's done) a business web page is considerably more complex and requires a fair degree of ongoing support, which means long-term work with the business owners, yada yada.
Some folks have unrealistic expectations on what they want and what they expect for their money. A good web design doesn't have to have a lot of snazzy stuff - in fact, a good business design should be attractive, but its first priority must be ease of use and maximum accessibility.
Ugh. Sorry about that tangent. That wasn't the intent of this entry.
Situation is this: I was asked to design a website for another radio station. It isn't a competitor here - it's in another market, so no problem in that regard. I also think this is the one instance in which I can ask for and get a realistic fee for the web design. I don't plan to gouge but neither am I willing to work for sub-standard wages any more. After the mess with 00 I am really hurting for money and will be for at least several more weeks, so this would be a godsend.
Unfortunately there's one leeeettle problem.
The owner of the business is also the unhappily married guy I was talking about recently, the one who was flirting with me via email and phone. I was involved with him at one point before he remarried; I knew and trusted him and he's one of the men who literally and figuratively abandoned me when my life got rough. He hurt me badly - more than badly. He's a huge part of the reason I just withdrew for years.
A little while back I told him about T, without going into a lot of details. I told him I met someone who I think is the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank goodness, as soon as I did that, this guy - haven't figured out an acronym or initial to use for him yet - backed right off and I figured that was that. But now I'm seeing these little personal remarks creep back into conversations and emails and they make me damned uncomfortable. He hasn't said anything overt, nothing that's actually wrong - just very awkward for me.
I can't avoid contact with him because he's peripherally involved with my work. My current boss has no idea of that particularly messy bit of personal history and I don't plan to enlighten anyone about him. I never advertised my involvement. My kids know about him and to the best of my knowledge, nobody else does. I prefer to keep it that way.
I really do need the money from the web design - but my instincts are kicking and screaming that if I do this job, I'm going to be putting myself into a situation that could become impossible, and very quickly.
Things with T are schizophrenic, which doesn't help. He has told me he loves me and yes, I do love him. Simultaneously his contact with me has dwindled to almost nothing over the past few weeks. I used to hear every day, or nearly so. Now if I hear something once a week I'm lucky, and it's become a 2-line email. I haven't actually seen him in weeks and don't know when I'll see him again. Those things are chipping away at my trust in a big way. There are people who have told me to talk to him about it. If I could talk to him about it there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. I know all about the "He's Not That Into You" book and frankly I know the book by heart because I've lived it so many times. I am quite painfully aware of the implications, thank you very much. I'll deal with it. I always deal.
Those issues with T, combined with the cutting reminders of previous abandonment and the remnants of the situation with 00, have conspired to mess with my head in a big way lately. Normally I'd go out driving in order to help clear my thoughts. Even with the current gas prices and my tight finances I think I'm going to do that this morning, or I'll lose what's left of my mind.
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )