Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2005
Web Of My Own Making
Thanks to all of the well wishes last night. I've felt pretty crummy for a while now so have barely been online, just buzz through to post and read a few diaries, haven't felt like logging into an instant messenger at all. That's partly due to getting a sledgehammer to the mid-chest region a few days back and just having to withdraw or die. It originated with instant messenger and I had to shut down and walk away, take a few thousand deep breaths, swear a blue streak, beat up a couple of pillows, all the usual stuff.
I'm feeling slightly better today on all fronts. Still not great but at least no longer steeped in the "Let me die in peace already" phase.
In terms of the heart malady, augustdreams described a similar situation and I like her take on the issue. She pointed out that in a few years, you will look back on the loser who just sliced-and-diced your heart, and you'll send up prayers of thanks to every power in the universe that you escaped. That hasn't always been the case with me as I felt like it was more healthy to try and maintain a friendship with the exes. But you know, maybe it isn't. Maybe transforming the connection merely prolongs the hurt. Definitely something to think about.
Besides, most of my exes end up coming back to me wanting something down the line. Case in point: ex-paramour who wants me to do a website for him. I'm doing it but he ain't getting it for free, either!
And he's by no means the only ex who came back, proverbial hat in hand, begging for me to do something for them down the line.
I have been talking with another friend and told her I'm becoming kind of belligerent about the situation with T. I'm trying the approach of: "You know, he doesn't deserve the power I've given him to keep hurting me. I need to give him the same disregard he gave me, and get on with my life." It's just another coping mechanism but what the heck if it works!
I camped out on my sofa last night with a cup of hot tea and comfort food. Screw Atkins when I feel like I did then. Besides which, I'm discovering that a lot of the stuff on Atkins contributes to the mother of all heartburn cases. Figgers. I have always been hesitant to consider diet pills (or any kind of pills except as an absolute last resort.) I have health insurance now, though, so might give it a shot and just touch base with an M.D.
Several friends have gone the route of gastric bypass surgery and I considered that at one point. It's expensive and painful but it is pretty much guaranteed to work. And of the folks I know who had it done, 99 percent said they would do it again if they had to, pain and all. Because I've seen friends go from size 24... 30... even one size 50... dropping to a size 5 or a size 8.
Yeah, I know that losing the lard isn't going to change who I am or magically make my problems disappear. But by the same token, it'd be one less stress factor. I also know because I have gone through dramatic weight loss before that I feel so much better about myself it's a factor in dealing with other issues. Self-confidence is a powerful tool.
So are chicken noodle soup and chocolate ice cream.
Anywho, somebody asked me yesterday if I'll post or link to the news story. The answer is nope. I'm still pissed over the fact that they took my picture when I could barely hold my head up. But for Theresa, I will post a recent picture. This one was taken this past summer:
I've posted pictures of myself here from time to time, though I definitely don't post a lot of them. I don't like cameras and apparently the feeling is mutual.
I'm downloading one of our syndicated shows and love this week's title: Music From The Chocolate Lands. Gotta love a music program that includes the word "chocolate" in the name!
Gotta sign off and get back to work. The download's done and the city manager is due in any time to record a public service announcement. Time to play like the grownup station manager. Gee, think I'll fool anybody?
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )