Monday, Oct. 10, 2005
Piss and Tell
Good grief. Three people apparently took umbrage to the post on my diary categorizing all of the losers I've ever dated. They took it to heart, assuming I was talking about them, personally.
Those categories were drawn from personal experience, guys I've MET AND DATED. Or else somebody I know personally has met and dated - my daughters, my friend in Nova Scotia, plus about five others I can think of. I've never dated ANYBODY from Diaryland, nor is that in my plans. I don't think my girls have dated anybody from Diaryland and I know my friend from Nova Scotia hasn't. (And for the one of you who's not from Diaryland, tough noogies. If you play that game, you get no sympathy from me.) Shall I go on?
However, I say if the ass fits, I'm not the one making anybody wear it. It's 100 percent their decision. In fact, I was pretty careful about what I DID post, because I appreciate that there are some guys on Diaryland who are actually pretty nice people. Or at least they're better than average at covering their ass. Though after I got MY ass chewed for this, I am not so sure any more. I genuinely wanted to know how to look for a good guy because I planned on looking again. Now I am thinking maybe it's not worth it after all. Screw this. I'm to the point of folding up and moving everything to my locked diary. The ones who have access there can keep it if you want it. There are a couple of you who don't but should - email or phone or IM me and you'll get the password and url.
I did laundry tonight and was already pissed over the idea that I might have to censor my diary - MY OWN DAMNED DIARY! - because I posted what was on my mind. Believe me, I know every single one of the guys I described a couple of nights ago. I've dated them and their hypothetical brothers. I dated at least one guy who fit three of the four categories. And my girls have dated a few more mutations of the species.
Why the hell would I post that about someone I've never met or talked to except online and it wasn't somebody who was pretending they wanted a romance? That's my beef. It's not with the male population in general. It's the jerks who get their jollies by breaking hearts. And if you fall into that category I'm not about to apologize for the fact that I held a public roast of your personality flaws.
Anyway, doing laundry didn't help my attitude. I had to haul my clothes to the laundromat here in the complex, where a drunk guy was on the phone, trying to convince his ex-girlfriend to take him back. He actually had the balls to say it had only been two months since he'd called her, so why was she so upset? Given my recent history, I snapped at him, even though it was none of my business. I didn't say as much as I could have, and probably not as much as I should have, all things considered. I just threw everything in to wash and stomped away, figuring he'd be long gone before I got back to put stuff in the dryer.
He was still there and still talking to her. I didn't say anything to him that trip, just let him go on. Forty-five minutes later, when I came back to pull stuff from the dryer, he was just finishing up his phone call. I apologized for snapping at him (but not for what I said) and explained that he didn't deserve my tone because I was upset at somebody else.
By this time he was more or less sober (it had been about two hours, nearly as I could tell) and he initiated a conversation with me. I pointed out that if he wasn't happy with her (believe me, it wasn't intentional eavesdropping on my part - not only was he talking pretty loudly on a public phone, but he made it a point to brief me on the basic situation, thankfully minus the details) it was kind of pointless to try and ask her to take him back. I explained (based on things he'd said) that if he went back to her, he'd be going right back into the same situation all over again and everybody would lose. She'd be unhappy, he'd be unhappy, and they might both lose out on someone better for them. I also said something that I need to keep in mind for myself: that if you can't be yourself with someone, then you're with the wrong person. That at some point in your life you have to stop settling and go for what you really want.
He sort of went dead still, his eyes went wide and he said, "Dayum..." After a couple of beats, when he started to say something then just stopped, started and stopped again, he finally came back with, "Do you believe things happen for a reason?"
I didn't laugh, though I did come mighty close. I just shrugged and said, "Yep. Always."
This asked me something - I can't remember what - and I told him about my kids' dad, how he'd effectively committed suicide with all the drugs he took. Duane didn't die of an overdose, but thanks to the self-inflicted wear and tear from cocaine, heroin, peyote, meth, pills, alcohol, cigarettes, pot, and all of the other chemical soup he put into his body. He had three massive coronaries by the age of 37. The third one was a charm, if you can call it that. It killed him. He never got to see any of his grandchildren. The front row at his funeral was entirely filled with children under 18 - five of his own children, two stepsons, and a nephew and niece. The youngest, his daughter with his second wife, was four years old when her father died.
That got a reaction from the guy, too. He seemed genuinely upset, then explained that he'd been sober for nineteen years and just recently fell off the wagon, after the mess with his girlfriend. He swore he wanted to stop drinking again and to stop smoking. Said tonight was the first time he'd stepped out of his place, in any capacity, in ten weeks, and he thought somebody was trying to tell him something.
I'm no angel and God only knows I am not exactly a paragon of wonderful relationships, myself, and I made that perfectly clear. I'm not even sure if I should've said anything to him at all, but some days you just have to go with the flow. And he didn't want to be with the woman on the phone. He basically said as much; said it wasn't that he really was all that crazy about her, but he hated being alone even worse. (Which is what prompted my "Why would you go right back to something that'll make you both miserable?" speech.)
Oh well. He introduced himself (ironically after telling me about his life) and told me he's a farrier. And he said I'd given him a whole lot to think about.
Maybe out of all of this insanity, at least somebody will get something good.
Anyway, I'm tentatively going to drive to the Valley next weekend to meet a guy for a date. I'm not sure where this will go, for a lot of reasons, but I refuse to lock myself away again for the next several years, which has been my typical coping mechanism in the past. This guy and I have a few things in common, at least. He claims to be an aspiring writer, with a manuscript he wants to sell. He likes fishing (a BIG plus!) and there were some other common interests. So maybe. Guess we'll find out sooner or later. But it will be seriously weird, because he's got the same first name as my ex-boss.
Wish me luck. Or something.
As promised, I'm also adding to the list of endangered species from my last post. These are taken from my comments section for that post:
- From Art:
customer service --
this species florished until the mid-1980s when it started dying out due to indifference. you still can see it from time to time, but sadly, its days are numbered.
- From Poolagirl:
Kids Free to be Kids.
- From Bluemeany:
The Women Who Are Not Bitches species is highly endangered, yet seems to be thriving on DLand, thank God!
- From Bluesleepy:
How about "Men Who Have Grown Up and No Longer Act Like Children"?? It seems like in all the tv shows and commercials, the husband/father is just another one of the kids, with the long-suffering mom cleaning up after 3 kids and a husband. Men are no longer portrayed as co-leaders of their families, but usually as the instigator of all the pranks. I'm not saying that we should go back to the MAN OF THE HOUSE who made all the decisions and his wife was in happy subservience to him, but how about at least an equal partner????
- From Wenchie:
oooo I'm with bluesleepy. Though I think that the man as one of the kids corresponds alot to reality... certainly in our household. So if we can bring responsible adult men back into the household (and dating scene??).
I'll be delighted to post more - there are lots of endangered species out there, you know!
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )