Radiogurl a la Carte

Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
If Wishes Were Horseflies

This holiday season is a bittersweet one in so many, many ways. For me personally it is in many ways extraordinarily good. My children and grandbabies are healthy and reasonably happy. My sister just phoned last night to tell me that she is engaged. I am looking ahead to some intriguing and I believe very positive changes in my life in a matter of days. I have a job that I adore and live in a place I love, work with my best friend, and a second job is picking up steam very, very quickly. I expect to move into a house within just a short while. I have an operable vehicle and can pay my bills.

Unfortunately there are other factors that serve both to mute the joy of the holiday and to make me hold closer those who matter to me. There is still war and terrorism; for an up-close and personal picture of the holidays in Iraq, visit bluemeany's diary. It's simultaneously inspiring and heartbreaking. Whether or not you agree with the fact that troops are there at all, the men and women who are there literally put their lives on the line every single day. The photos of the children put all-too-human faces on both sides of the conflict.

And there is my friend arc-angel666's situation. He's losing a beloved son to cancer, a tragedy all the worse because 1) this is an only child and 2) he lost his wife to the disease several years ago. If you don't already read his diary, at least take a moment to say a prayer for his family this holiday season.

I have hinted and said outright that I've got big changes just ahead in my life, and I do. While I always love a good mystery, my reasons for playing this close to the vest are less about the tease on this diary than about history; too many times in the past I've made plans and thought everything was covered, told folks what was going to happen - and at the last second all of those plans fell apart. I don't believe that will happen here, for a lot of reasons, but I am not willing to jinx it. Whichever direction it takes, I hope to post more about it very, very shortly.

For those of you who have been following my diary for a while, you know I changed jobs and moved back in May of this year. There was a line of demarcation, a sharp turn in my tone of writing that corresponded to those changes, and for good reason. My arrival and my life here, despite some "down" moments, have represented a freedom from what was tantamount to prison. In the course of those changes I also discovered a lot of things about myself. I learned to be truly at peace with who I am and with what I do - and also made peace with my past, recognizing that it didn't have the power to destroy me any more.

And in the course of that personal detente, I discovered that I have room in my life for a partner and companion. I can be happy without someone else in my life, because this kind of happiness is a gentle warmth that comes from within; but now I want to share it. I've also achieved a sense of personal stability that's contributed to the phenomenon, an awareness that I'd really like to share my life; probably because for the first time in a long time, I feel that I've got something worth sharing.

All of this comes despite the best efforts of my ex-boss to draw me into his personal vendetta (not happening) against someone at that end of the world. It's one of the few times I said flat-out "NO!!!" to someone's request for help. I refuse to get caught up in that, refuse to do something hurtful and mean-spirited just because I can. Besides which, I could truthfully tell him that I've got too many good things going on in my life to play any part in his childish game of (unwarranted) revenge.

I didn't bother trying again to explain to him that my "I quit" several months back mean I don't work for him any more, I don't owe him jack, and I am not at his beck and call any more. Yeesh.

I was going to try to add more to this, but I'm swamped at work today and only have about an hour left before I've got to clear out for the day. So on that note, I'm going to call it a day - at least on Diaryland - and hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas - and that if you haven't already done so, you'll buzz right over and wish hissandtell a happy birthday!

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )