Radiogurl a la Carte

Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004
Cheap Dreams

Hey - there are no details beyond what I gave y'all last night. I have a boring life and have had NO love life for about six or seven years. I had to get the other aspects of my life together in a big way before I could so much as think about bringing another person into the picture.

I really didn't plan to go there at this time, for that matter, but sometimes the best-laid plans hit a snag. In this case, I hope it's a good snag, because heaven knows I'm not up for yet another disaster. I know enough about Tall Guy to know that he is very conservative in a lot of his beliefs, which is fine with me because he's open-minded in areas where it's important. Maybe conservative isn't even the word. Charmingly old-fashioned is more like it.

For what it's worth, I have known people of Tall Guys' faith who believe that it's wrong to even kiss someone unless you are engaged to them. That's the most extreme case I've seen, and I have no reason whatsoever to believe Tall Guy is that staid. He's not an innocent, in any sense of the word. He's been burned a few times. He also shares my warped sense of humor. Maybe I should be frightened on that basis alone. (Said with tongue planted firmly in cheek.)

I didn't do an on-air stint this afternoon as I had to make a flying trip to the courthouse to pull some case files. When I got back, my daughter passed on a phone call to me that was someone calling from their cell, very complimentary toward my on-air presence and considerably less so toward Boss. I thanked the caller and that's as far as it went. I don't pass those on to Boss. It would accomplish nothing except to hurt an old man who already recognizes that he is in decline.

Boss is now losing his voice, and you can see his stress level and resignation increasing with each passing day. He knows that when he's no longer able to speak, that will be the end of him in radio; and for a man whose entire life has been this business, to the exclusion of everything else, that's tantamount to death. I'm not talking about a bout of laryngitis. This is long-term and very likely permanent. Despite the fact that there are times I'd like to throttle him, overall he's like the weird old uncle who irritates the whole family. We give him grief and complain about him, but when the chips are down, we do our best to take care of him.

His symptoms are consistent with the same debilitating disease that claimed my mother's life a couple of years ago. She lost the ability to speak some three years before she died, and really lost all quality of life over that last three years. She was incapable of speaking, of caring for herself, of sewing (which she loved), even though her mind was unaffected. Her frustration and pain was a palpable thing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So while at times I get angry and at times I want to walk away, I stay, and I put up with things I probably shouldn't. Yes, I know that he takes advantage of overtime. Yes, there are days I feel like slamming the phone down when he calls at ungodly hours to ask me how to spell a word. I'm also the closest thing he has to family, and even my daughter views him that way. She gets upset and angry but once she has time to calm down, she realizes he isn't even aware of some of the things that are going on. She does what she can to protect him, too.

I still have no rejection letter for my short story. I think that's a good thing. Now I'm to the point of wanting to hear something positive. I won't count any money until it's in the bank and the check has cleared. That hasn't happened yet. While having something published is a dream, at the moment I care more about the $1000 so I can buy a vehicle from a roadside lot in town. Even if I do get it, it will probably be in the vintage of the piece of **** vehicle immortalized by Adam Sandler a few years ago.

Y'know, at my age I should be able to go buy something new. At least a cheap import. But nooooo...

My only consolation is that Tall Guy is driving a junker too, and he doesn't have to be ashamed of it, because a junker is better than nothing!

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )