Radiogurl a la Carte

Monday, Sept. 20, 2004
Enigma

Second entry for the day. Yeah, yeah, I know. Just don't get used to it, okay?

I finally got some more photos uploaded and set to go. These are mostly of Roosevelt Lake, which is about a half-hour's drive from here, at least to the closest portion. The lake stretches far enough that to drive to the other end takes another 45 minutes or so.

There's also a photo taken in the courtyard of the Payson community college campus. It's an example of a xeriscape garden (a garden designed for absolute minimal water use, using native plant life in artistic layout.) While this particular garden is Spartan in design, some are much more green. Even the more verdant sort, however, come with an eye toward making the most of water resources.

I had a comment from catsinasnit on thinking things out before I say anything or do anything with regard to Tall Guy. As much as I appreciate the advice, I had to resist the urge to laugh. Of all the concerns to raise, that is the most unnecessary. I have to think it over before I buy a bar of soap! Multiply that by a few thousand times when it is about a potential relationship. The more likely scenario, by far, is that I'll spend so much time thinking it over, analyzing things to death, and trying to figure out what's the right thing, that by the time it's all said and done, it'll be too late. Probably by several months or years!

In the end I'll probably chicken out and never say anything until Tall Guy gives up and moves on, simply because I'm an abject coward when it comes to anything relating to a love life. In my job, I'll take on anyone and anything (and have.) I've gotten in the faces of some pretty powerful people. But put me next to a nice guy, in a non-work situation, and I lose all perspective. I put on an ice-queen front while inside I am curling up into an emotional ball. I actually destroyed one relationship by analyzing it to death. I was too petrified to accept that this man could possibly feel something for me. The guy got tired of it and walked away, and I can't say I blame him.

With that in mind, my dilemma is whether to break that habit; to give myself permission to care even if it means getting hurt; or to maintain the status quo and walk away from someone who could be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Just so you get the context: Tall Guy has already been on the receiving end of the ice-queen treatment from me. He flinched. I do a great job of intimidating people, particularly men. But he continues to hang around at the periphery of my life. And mind you, I gave him the cold shoulder after I knew I liked him. It took me a few weeks to figure that out, which is itself unusual. I generally get that part right away, fall hard, then spend the next few months scrambling to escape my own feelings. I'm the coyote who will gnaw off her own leg to escape a perceived trap. It doesn't matter if I'm in a comfortable trap, I'll literally hurt myself if I feel in any way boxed in. In this case, I freaked, just like usual, but his reaction wasn't what I was expecting. More about that in a little bit.

I knew right off that I liked Tall Guy professionally, and I guess that masked the deeper liking. He's efficient, a brilliant tech, a genuinely nice guy, (and did I mention good looking?) and didn't try to either belittle my abilities nor be condescending toward me. He also didn't seem intimidated by my professional position, which puts a lot of guys off. I guess that's why, when my daughter first mentioned that maybe he liked me, I really did dismiss the possibility. I figured he was hanging out at the studios for 9 hours a day, several days straight, because... Well, I assumed there had to be some other reason.

As you can see, I am the queen of denial when I want to be. Considering that there are three of us at the studios (my boss, my daughter, and me), there weren't many possibilities. He didn't spend hours upon hours talking to my daughter, and I think we can safely scratch my boss's name off of that very short list, too.

I'm a very strong woman for the most part, and have been my whole life. I've had very little choice in the matter. It takes someone who's fairly secure to stand up to that facet of my personality, and a man has to be able to stand up to me (without bullying) to gain my respect. Tall Guy pulled it off, doing so in a way that didn't sink in for several weeks. When it dawned on me that he had, it sort of knocked the wind out of me. I can count the men on one hand who fit that criteria. Most are all about the power trip, which leads me to cross them off without a second look. I already knew that I liked him by the time I realized that he'd achieved the near-impossible, but now I respected him, too. Dangerous combination, that one.

I am accustomed to one of two reactions from men I brush off with the refrigerator treatment. Either they go into overdrive, now excited by the chase (and nothing but the chase, as I've discovered); or they back off in revulsion and/or panic of their own. Tall Guy did neither. He backed away for his own safety, but he basically only took a few steps back and stopped. He's still there, still respectful, still friendly, giving me space without actually walking away. My panic subsided before it had an opportunity to form, and I am left to stare at an enigma.

So now what I have to decide is, do I tell him the reason for the case of freezer burn I gave him a couple of weeks ago? Or do I let him walk away, go to his new job, and never see him again?

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )