Radiogurl a la Carte

Wednesday, Dec. 29, 2004
Wednesday Night Fever

It's technically Wednesday but it's actually almost 3am Wednesday so I'm counting it as Tuesday night.

I'm more determined than ever to get the heck out of here. My biggest concern right now is worrying about when I apply for another job, what to say about this one. They tell you not to badmouth a former employer but if they ask me why I left, what should I say?

I mean, the reasons go on and on... An allowance in lieu of a paycheck, no benefits, ungodly hours, a boss who's rude and obnoxious and undermines his own business and knows it, then complains that he's not making enough money... Those are all legitimate reasons to leave (and then some) but I don't want to go off on a rant when applying for something new.

On the positive side, a friend of mine pointed me in the direction of several jobs across the country, all within the realm of my experience. All of them pay more and offer benefits (gee - what a novel idea!) And the nice thing about being single with no young children at home: I can move anywhere, and will, without blinking. Well, okay, I might balk at Iran or Afghanistan or New York. I mean, I'm not into war zones. And I would definitely prefer to get out of Arizona, though it's prepared me for life in a third world country if that's where something opens up. But otherwise I'm free as a bird. I've got nothing to tie me down and I'm adventurous enough to go for pretty much anything.

I stayed home sick yesterday (Tuesday.) I'm not sick to my stomach or anything like that, thank goodness, but I've had a headache that's gradually built over the period of several months, and the past few days it progressed into problems with my eyes again. I won't go into too much detail, but a few years ago I ran into some serious health problems and they finally pinned it down to a swollen brain. (Yup, when people tell me I've got a swelled head, they're right, and I have the medical history to prove it.) Trouble is, nobody could ever figure out what was causing the symptoms. I was referred to Barrows Neurological Center and went through a battery of tests and absolutely everything came up negative. No tumors, no autoimmune diseases, nothing that anyone could identify.

Basically the doctors said, "We know that there's something wrong but we can't figure out what it is, so you're stuck with it because we can't treat you if we don't know what's wrong."

Well... it's back. I know better than to bother going to the doctor because I know they can't do anything, for one thing, and for another, I don't have insurance and frankly can't afford astronomical medical bils.

Oh well.

I'm sort of taking a mental inventory today, trying to figure out how to pack things and what to do with them, what to take and what to leave behind. Obviously some things will have to depend on whether or not I am able to get a vehicle. Wherever I go, even if it's by bus, my clothes and my computer go with me. Other things are negotiable. I'm regretting having put money down on a washing machine, because I won't be able to get a refund on it, but that's how it goes I guess. Thank God I don't have a fortune into it.

The books aren't going and I guess I won't be able to take my dinette, bookcase, etc. I considered putting a few things in storage but from past history I already know that isn't practical. I have no clue if or when I'd be able to get stuff out of storage, and could just use that money toward new furniture and so on. I don't mind too much. I learned long ago not to get too attached to objects, because anything material is always transitory.

I do intend to pack up my pillows and my new bedding, though I probably won't bring towels and such unless I'm able to get a car. That sort of thing is too easy to replace, and too inexpensive, to justify the cost of shipping them. Wal Mart is omnipresent, and there's always online shopping.

My former mother-in-law already said she wants the dinette, and will buy it from me. I'll hold a yard sale for the rest. Might as well make some money from it.

Just rambling here, never mind me. My fever's been up and down all night so I'm probably borderline delirious.

Am I scared at the prospect of walking away with nothing waiting at my eventual destination? Naturally. I haven't ever been unemployed long term, thank goodness. I also have never been 47 years old and looking for work. Between my age and my weight, I know I'm at a disadvantage. And no matter what anyone says, the weight does play a part in it.

But nothing will ever get better here. I am as high on the totem pole as I can climb and there's nowhere to go except to either climb down and find another totem pole, or wait until this one splinters and topples, taking me down with it.

I guess my problems are all relative, anyway, when it comes down to it. While I agonize over one jerk and over where to move to make a living wage, the opposite side of the planet is still reeling from the aftermath of a cataclysm of incalculable levels. I mean, you can count the numbers of people who die, but how is it even possible to calculate the toll among the living? The death toll as of a few minutes ago was up to nearly 70,000, and expected to top 100,000... And that's just the people killed in the initial flooding. That doesn't count those who will die in the diseases that come in the wake of the flooding. That doesn't count the starvation. There's basically nothing LEFT of any of the coastal communities of Indonesia, Thailand, Sri Lanka, India, Malaysia, and more. There's nothing to compare to when it comes to this disaster.

And lest anyone forget, there are still quakes occuring in the region, aftershocks that have ranged up above 6 on the Richter Scale. Not another 9.0, obviously, but considering the already-devastated conditions, it's a safe bet that the aftershocks aren't doing any good, either.

There's a site here showing the lastest rounds of temblors. There are so many marks in the region of Indonesia that you can't even click on them all to get the details. You'll also notice that while that area is the hotbed, there have been earthquakes in other regions, too, during the past few days - including three locations inside the USA. None in Canada that I saw, thank goodness. Canadians only get the joys of snow and ice, at least for the moment.

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )