Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004
Goals, Good Vibrations, Questions
I decided last night I would forego the wine. Went to bed early, went right to sleep - and woke up at a little before 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. I think tonight I'll do the glass of wine again. I'm convinced.
Heard again from my sister, via email - and I was right, she's tossing hubby on his fat, nasty posterior. Said it will take her a couple of years to get everything handled because all of their bills and credit are in her name and she knows once she throws him out she'll be stuck with it all. I'll be driving down there this weekend - he has to work and she and I plan to hit the malls as an excuse to talk with no risk of him coming home early (he has a history of quitting jobs at the drop of a hat) and walking in on the conversation. I am borrowing a vehicle, at least the way it looks now.
I hope Sis will give serious consideration to moving. Her work skills and experience will mean she gets a job wherever she goes - that's not even in question. Her hubby is the sort who will stalk and kill her after they split up. There is absolutely no doubt about it. I know this creep like the back of my hand, have seen how he operates and know that her only option is to get the heck out of there. And no restraining order in the world will stop him. The house will have to be sold and she'll have to get another job anyway, simply because he won't leave her any other options.
Wish I could take 00 with me but it's doubtful she'd even consider it, given that her son is here. It's possible, if her ex gets a wild hair to move, which could also certainly happen. He's talked about getting out of Arizona, too. It's something he wants, anyway.
It's something most rational people want.
Still musing over some details, working out the logistics of a move across country. I do NOT want to go sight-unseen to a place two-thousand miles away, and not have so much as a job prospect in sight. My sister got her current (very good) job over the Internet. If she can do it so can I. She's in school again, too, working toward another degree. I would dearly love to do that, myself, and think that as soon as I can get moved I will check into enrolling at a community college. In my line of work, the lack of a formal degree has held me back and I know it.
I have the support of some wonderful friends who have offered me a place to stay, should I have to leave without real warning. That's a possibility, considering the precarious situation with the Boss's health. I don't own a home to sell and have precious few resources. It frankly angers me, because I should have a home and have it paid for. I received a substantial financial settlement in my early twenties, enough to have bought a NICE home then and paid cash for it, plus have money leftover to handle other things. But my darling then-husband ran through it all and ran me literally into bankruptcy. I held it together until after we divorced, and paid a lot of bills - but by then I was so far behind that there was no catching up. Second hubby didn't help the process, either.
In all fairness, it wasn't all their fault, either. I am an atrocious money manager at best, and having four children while being our family's sole source of support didn't help. I have consistently taken low-paying jobs, worked outrageous hours, and come home so exhausted that I often took us out to eat simply because I didn't have the strength to cook or clean or do anything else. All of those things contributed to a financial quagmire. When I live alone, my bills are paid, paid on time, and I do fine. But that's only happened a couple of times in my life. And it doesn't dismiss the fact that I married two men who didn't work and who spent the money I earned faster than I could earn it. So the blame is shared.
I am trying to apply logical thought to all aspects of this move. I can't base something so drastic solely on nostalgia. I grew up in the midwest and a part of me misses things that were a part of my childhood. I don't miss the bitterly cold winters and the blizzards that send a car into a ditch in the middle of nowhere, but I do miss being able to go outdoors in summertime and actually enjoying it. I will have to learn to drive in snow and ice again. Not looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to a place where there are trees and grass, and hopefully a situation where I can work nearer a forty-hour work week, have vacations now and then, have a few benefits.
I have literally none right now. No health insurance, no retirement plan, no set vacation, nothing. Arizona's business climate is very Republican in nature, in that it is all geared to the business owner, with virtually no protections or considerations for the employees who keep things going. Labor is cheap and highly dispensable here.
In all reality I could move to Phoenix and get work, maybe even get hired somewhere that offers benefits. There are about a million problems with that, not the least of which would be the likelihood of my children moving back in with me and undermining everything I have worked so hard to build. But I'm also not stupid enough to believe that moving THAT far from my family would be easy, either. There is little doubt in my mind that my sister is going to try and talk me out of such a dramatic step.
I don't even know whether it's rational or not, but my gut instinct tells me this is a last-chance opportunity, and if I screw it up, it won't come around again. So at this point, it is my goal and I am working with that in mind.
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )