Radiogurl a la Carte

Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005
Luck Be A Lady

I am going to kill my child.

Other than that, it's been a pretty good weekend.

Youngest daughter's up here every other weekend - long story - and when she is here, she trashes the house (particularly MY BEDROOM and MY BATHROOM) and my bank account. Without fail. Mind you she has her own room AND her own bathroom, but she's not satisfied with that. She comes to mine, makes and leaves a mess, helps herself to anything and everything I own, from hair dryer and curling iron to soap, lotion, barrettes, etc. It's a toss-up whether any of the above will be here when she leaves. She has a tendency to walk off with it, and has been that way her whole life. "Hey, mom/sister/brother/dad has this and I want it - so it's mine now."

Needless to say, mom/sister/brother/dad have always taken issue with that. Doesn't matter. She takes it as a basic human right. I hauled her to court with it when she was a teenager (not the only reason I hauled her to court but I pointed that out too.) The judge blew off the petty theft because it was family. So kind of like other crimes against family members (think Domestic Violence) it's not a big deal because you're related to your victims. To me, murder is murder, assault is assault, and theft is theft, whether or not it's family. I'm not talking about a once-in-a-while thing here. I'm not talking about borrowing and returning. I'm talking theft, occasionally sales of what was taken.

Sorry, it still irks me because by saying that in open court, the judge exacerbated the problem, virtually guaranteeing that it will continue for the duration of this kid's life. It condoned her continued lack of responsibility for her own actions/inactions, which has always been my biggest problem with her. And she's been here all weekend, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.

This was a productive weekend despite the kid being here. The house is spotless, all of the laundry is done, I have ALL of my bills paid now except for one, and I rented a shampooer. 00 is going to shampoo the carpet tomorrow, one more thing ticked off of the list of stuff I've been trying to make time to do.

I even spent the money to get a closet organizer. I don't have a lot of shoes in comparison to my kids, but I was tired of not being able to find them when I went looking for them. So there are no longer shoes under my bed - they're all neatly lined up in my closet and I can find what I want when I want them. Some of them are probably going to get put into the yard sale or tossed - I've got a pair of sneakers that are pretty beat up, inside and out, too much so to sell them. Besides which, they were bought before I lost the weight and in all reality they're now too big by about a full size.

I gave 00 $20 for gas tonight, giving her instructions to take her sister back to the Phoenix area. I would give her $100 to take the kid back if I had it. It would cost me far more than that just to feed Youngest Daughter for a week, never mind the wear and tear on my nerves.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I do love my children. I'm just tired of being 100 percent responsible for everything and everyone in a fifty-mile radius. I've been my family's breadwinner since I was 19 years old and other than what was absolutely critical for work, I have had to set aside nearly EVERYTHING I've wanted for the past twenty-six years to take care of everyone else. I stopped painting. I gave up my piano, sold my violin, sold everything I owned before I married. Writing had to be done hit-and-miss when the kids were gone or in bed - and after they were grown, the in-bed thing was generally also while I was in bed, too. Generally within two or three hours of my having to get up and go to work again.

Oh well. The kid's gone for a few more days and I can enjoy the place while it's clean. I'm not Suzy Clean; I just rest better and feel better when I'm not traipsing through piles of this-n-that to go from point A to point B. And I HATE cooking when I have to do an hour's worth of dishes first, then cook, then do dishes again.

Everything is good for now, and it should hopefully stay that way for a while. At least with regard to home. The work situation is unchanged, as ever.

Just got off the phone with her-story and we agreed that the whole job situation is out of control. Teachers have to jump through hoops and pay through the nose to get through school, then get professional certifications, and now they're looking at requiring a doctorate for teaching XYZ.

At this end of the world, I'm looking at getting the heck away from this end of the world, but I am not especially looking forward to the job hunt. I don't freeze up in interviews and I've got excellent references. The downside is that the office of the megalithic phone company where I used to work is closed, and I couldn't find an alternate phone number to verify employment. I DID finally get a fax number for verification. But that means that a potential employer couldn't call my current employer for a reference, nor could they call my FORMER employer. And the employer prior to those two is so flaky it should be in the pie crust biz.

That's why I decided to assemble a group of professional references that are separate from, and in addition to, personal references. These are people with whom I've had enough business dealings that they know how I function, and they know how our studios function; but they include a college president, a city manager, etc. They're not people with whom I shmooze outside of office hours. These are people who I respect and who have expressed respect for my work. And they are people who, while I've worked with them extensively, do not work with me, per se.

Now I just have to figure out where to look for a job, as in what industry AND what location. I am honestly wondering if I should contact a headhunter organization. I know about them but don't know if my qualifications would fit their criteria. While my preference still lies in Indy, the nice thing about my current situation is that I literally have the option of relocating anywhere a job requires. D.C., Florida, or Timbuktu. I have no spouse to consider, not even a dog or cat to pack up and move. Just me and whatever stuff I take along for the ride.

Okay, I might not want to relocate to any of those places, necessarily, but at least I have the option should I so choose. Heck, maybe I should shoot for the writing job in Hollyweird, after all. Wouldn't be the first time I lived in a car while trying to get my life together. And that's pretty much what it would be, because I sure as heck couldn't afford anything else out that way!

I'm still bound and determined to get a car, if for no other reason than that it offers temporary living quarters when all else fails. Just not buying one tonight. For the moment I'm looking a whole lot more at sleep and at recording the news stuff I forgot to do earlier!

P.S. My barrette walked off with Youngest Daughter tonight, as I expected. I don't know yet what else she took. I love my daughter, I love my daughter, I love my daughter. If I keep saying it long enough, maybe I won't kill her.

But the odds-makers aren't touching it.

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )