Wednesday, Apr. 06, 2005
The Midweek Gotta Pack Joy
The euphoria is wearing off. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because a degree of the stress is also already gone. I'm now looking at the pragmatic end of things.
Talked to the newspaper today and explained that I need payment before I leave. The editor was very generous; not only did he promise me payment by the end of the week, but said since I'd sent them so many additional tips and information they are sending me a small bonus. It won't be a lot of money, but I should be getting enough from them to pay for my plane ticket, I think.
Selling the washing machine will get me a few more dollars, too, but I won't do that for a couple of more weeks. I should be getting some money back from my utility refunds, and I still haven't even begun to put things together for the yard sale. I was going to go to my sister's house this weekend but looking at what has to be done and how little time I have to do it... I'm giving 00 some big-ticket items, like my bookcase, computer desk and chair, things like that. I think in exchange I'm going to ask her to help me pack and sort through things. She's extremely good at that! I have a handful of heavy items I want to ship, things that I don't intend to give up. ("Heavy" being a relative term.) I need to get some boxes.
Yeesh... I said I wasn't going to bring anything with me, and obviously I can't bring much, even if I ship a bunch of stuff. But there are a few things I will NOT be selling and some I won't leave behind.
I'm looking at some knicknacks here and there - most I can live without even though I hate to lose them, because virtually all of them are gifts; the gemstone globe my sis gave me IS going with me, for example, though it'll be mailed ahead. I am packing and mailing some of my computer software and odds and ends like that. I should easily be able to fit my clothes into a big suitcase and throw that on the plane, though I'll definitely be weeding out lots of things. If I don't love it or absolutely have to have it, it ain't going with me.
I'll put emergency and basic supplies in my carry-on. I really, REALLY don't want to risk the airlines losing all of my luggage when it contains literally everything I own!
My friend from Quebec and I were taking bets on how long it will take for Boss to completely crash the computer system at the studios once I'm gone. We both said three days - only because between me and friend from Quebec we've built in so many safeguards. Boss really, really needs somebody there who knows computers. 00 could've done it but - oh yeah - he pissed 00 off for the last time and she walked out a couple of months ago. Oh darn.
BJ is not at the outward panic stage yet, but the nerves have most definitely escalated. You can see it in his eyes. He knows what it's going to be.
Boss really lost it - not as in got mad, but started sobbing his eyes out - after I gave him my notice. Yes he DOES know what my leaving will mean. But after he had time to pull himself together he told me he thinks that this is a good thing for us both. I forced his hand; now he has to face and make some hard decisions about his life, the ones he's been avoiding for a very long time. And he said he acknowledged it, which is itself a milestone. No, I don't think they were crocodile tears in the sense that he knew it wouldn't change my mind. They were "I'm now officially scared shitless and don't know what the hell I'm gonna do" tears. He won't even be able to call to ask me how to spell things any more.
I'm sure when it's closer to time for me to pack it out of here I'll be the one scared to death. This is nonetheless the right decision at the right time. The folks around here have all wished me well, though I never saw so many shocked expressions in my life. One person just kept repeating, over and over again, "But WHY???"
Youngest Daughter knows she has to get her act together, too. Imho that's a good thing. 00 said she's happy for me. She knows firsthand what I've put up with at work and knows I've wanted to leave Arizona for years now. She also said she wants to visit me in Indy. I am pretty sure she will. I know my oldest son and his wife will, and my former in-laws will. They have a standing invitation to my home. Hopefully my youngest son will, too, sooner or later.
I love my kids and I know I'll miss them, but I also have to get away from here for he sake of my mental and physical health.
Between my final paycheck, deposit refunds, etc., and what I'm able to sell, I should hopefully have over $1000 when I arrive. I SHOULD have at least $1500-2000, but life being what it is, I am allowing for unforeseen expenses. But if I do arrive with that much, I'm going to buy a cheap car the second I know I have a job. If I can line something up before I even go, I will do that within the first day or so after I get into town. I just hope I can get a low-maintenance, gas-sipping little stick shift.
Okay I know I'm dreaming, but allow me my delusions. I'm enjoying them for the moment, and I'm sure they will dissipate on their own in the light of reality once I arrive, hehehe. I'm still loopy enough to think of buying a house, for goodness sake, when I'll probably be extremely lucky to find a crummy hole-in-the-wall apartment.
However, given the price of fuel these days, I'm actually glad I didn't get a vehicle while here. I would have driven there without considering any other options, and it would have cost me God knows how much to make the trip, not to mention that I could have broken down anywhere along the way.
Ugh... looking at the clock on my computer it says I'm up waaay too late again. I have to sign off and try to sleep.
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )