Radiogurl a la Carte

Saturday, Jul. 16, 2005
The Party of the Third Part and So On

Nicim, thank you, but there isn't a question in my mind that T is "into" me. Professionally, I am a hard worker, aggressive, and will do whatever it takes to get the job done. In my personal life, I am adamantly against being the aggressor, for a whole lot of reasons. So any progression that's happened, has happened because T has edged forward - not me.

I haven't posted a lot of intimate details here because I respect T's privacy; however, while there hasn't been a lot of sexual innuendo in our conversations, he emails and/or phones me daily or nearly so, sometimes several times a day. His messages are always very sweet, and on the one occasion when I called him (on the heels of a whole lot of hints from him) the shift in his voice was profound when he realized it was me on the other end of the line. It had been a very long time since I heard that from anyone other than a radio groupie, and it was unmistakeable.

Just because I don't list all of the particulars here doesn't mean I'm taking anything for granted or that other things aren't happening that I don't write here. For example, I won't post excerpts from conversation or emails here without T's permission. To me, that's both common courtesy and thanks to a very hard lesson I learned a while back. I'm extremely conscious of not pushing the envelope in a developing relationship. One time several years ago, after a man introduced me as his girlfriend, I went through hell because I had the audacity to introduce myself that way to someone. I will never, ever make that mistake again.

In fact, I had freak-out moments a couple of times this week because T said something that pushed the envelope. Pushed it the right direction, I might add. And don't get me wrong; I'm not being strong-armed or anything close. I'm just that jittery. It would be different if this was someone I'd known first and then became involved with, but that isn't the case. T was a complete stranger until just the past month or so. There's still a pretty hefty dose of mystery in place in our interactions. This is actually good, as long as it doesn't overwhelm everything else.

T is extremely well-spoken, persistent, and I appreciate the fact that he doesn't push me too far. I would absolutely shut him down if he did. He's still too much of a stranger to me in a lot of ways, though I will also concede that my walls are slowly crumbling. I can't help but respect a man who is willing and able to walk a fine line and insist that we take the time to get to know one another, yet still moves things forward with gentle nudges and quiet declarations. I got railroaded into marriage once and got physically pushed into corners too many times to be comfortable with someone who's truly aggressive. I've fielded marriage proposals on first dates (which doesn't impress me) and God knows what else.

It's kind of interesting - T reminds me of my closest female friend Lisa in the way he's dealing with me - she said when she met me a few years back she recognized that if she said or did something wrong that I'd disappear, and for the first couple of months or thereabouts she felt like she had to walk on eggshells. (Which was true then, albeit I hope that it's less true now!) Lisa also said she's glad she did. I'm certainly glad she persisted, and my gut instincts occasionally kick my insecurities in the keister and tell me that T is worth the risk, too.

As I mentioned before, my life is a dichotomy. Professionally I am confident and in control. In my personal life, I've lived so many train wrecks that I generally would just rather stay on the sidelines, and when someone tries to drag me front and center, I flip out. But truth be told, I also have hit the point in my life where I'm not quite so opposed to being dragged, hehehe. (Wenchie and Hissandtell, if that's not an opening I don't know what is!)

I really like this man. He's funny, quirky, intelligent, and tolerant of other points of view (which is a huge tenet for me.) He's romantic without being saccharine. He's said things to me that tell me he's experienced his fair share of less-than-stellar history, too. He told me some of his hot buttons and has expressed himself clearly on a few things he's looking for. He did say one thing I'll post here, albeit paraphrased: middle-of-the-road compromise is boring. It's better to compromise by meandering from one side to another, exploring different viewpoints by standing within a different mindset. He isn't precisely aggressive, but neither does he let me wander too far away without giving a gentle tug. (Operative word here being "gentle.")

Still kind of queasy this morning but doing better overall. I need to get a few little things done here at home today, then pack my happy butt out the door and head for the Phoenix area. Youngest son and I are supposed to do the family togetherness thing this weekend, postponed from last weekend. And I'm all in favor. On the rare occasions that I get time off to do things with my children, we enjoy it. It's just that we are all working and/or going to school and scheduling anything is a challenge.

I think Youngest Son and I will be doing dinner and a movie, still not sure which movie but that's fine, too. Someone told me the latest Batman movie is wonderful; I hope so, though not pinning too many hopes on that. After Val Kilmer, things kind of went downhill in that franchise, in my opinion. I haven't seen any of the new movies out; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory looks intriguing, less sold on War of the Worlds. I don't care for Tom Cruise. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is supposed to be good, though again, Brad Pitt doesn't do a thing for me. (As a rule I'm not really into "pretty boys," The exception is Brendan Frasier.) None of the current movies really have captured my attention. There's none of the "Oh, I really have to see that!" going on in my mind. Give me a really good character actor working in a well-written film and I'm there. Or heck, give me a fun romp, a comedy and/or action film that moves along and gives me eye candy balanced with a dollop of suspense.

Yeah yeah, I know. I'm too picky for my own good. All the way around, apparently!

Darn - it's not quite 10:30, so guess I should get moving and get out of here for the day. At least I need to phone my son and coordinate for times, etc.

Quick addendum, a quiz shamelessly lifted from Art:

Your Power Color Is Magenta

At Your Highest:

You energize yourself and push others to suceed.

At Your Lowest:

You feel frustrated and totally overwhelmed.

In Love:

You are suprised by who you attract. You're a love magnet.

How You're Attractive:

Open and free spirited, people want to explore the world with you.

Your Eternal Question:

"What is my next source of inspiration?"

Hey - I actually think that quiz hit some things on the nose. I love watching friends excel when they were first riddled with self-doubt. I think I'm a good cheerleader! The "overwhelmed and frustrated" part fits, and God knows I'm constantly flabbergasted by the attentions I seem to engender. I think I'm the most boring human being on planet earth, or pretty darned close to it!

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )