Tuesday, Aug. 23, 2005
If you read yesterday's entry you already know that it wasn't one of my better days. I won't go into specifics but I will say thanks to my friend Angela for talking me down from one of my finer moments in sheer insanity. I was allowing entirely too many things to get to me, on too many levels. The cumulative stress - part of which had built up over the past several years - just hit me all at once.
Life isn't exactly a bed of roses - but at least I think I have a grip on reality again!
Thank God for friends who will give me a swift and well-placed kick when it's warranted, thus re-engaging my brain (such as it is on days like that.) Friend from Quebec also reminded me that he's not a cheater - that if he cheated he'd probably cut off his OWN cajones. And I know he's right.
When it comes down to it I do know that most men are not useless louts. The majority are actually pretty decent people. Biology may have instilled us as a race with the urge to "spread the wealth," so to speak, but there are men and women out there who marry and raise a family without having an affair, or who otherwise elect to remain with one person. Sometimes it's for life. For most, it's at least long-term.
Yes, I see the statistics claiming that 80 percent of marriages have infidelity as a factor. That's from both sides, not just men. The absolute WORST of the cheats, the worst I've ever seen, was a former married female boss who actually rented an apartment to carry out her countless trysts. She not only boasted to me of her many conquests, but asked me to cover for her to her husband.
I agree her husband was the worst kind of monster (he literally ran her over with her own car, among other things) - but as I told her repeatedly: don't cheat as some kind of misbegotten revenge tactic. Leave first, then if you want to find someone else, go for it. Cheating only compounds the original issues and you become as bad as the original jerk. You're not only messing up your own life, but you're trashing others along the way.
I have to get myself out the door and go to work this morning. I'm still dead tired, didn't get a whole lot more sleep last night, but hopefully overall I'm still starting the day with a clearer head. After talking 00 down from talk of suicide, I imploded myself. I just commit psychological hari-kari these days, rather than using a physical knife to dissect my innards.
Add to that the all-too-real pressures of the job and I wasn't exactly a pillar of strength by the time the week was out.
I still love what I do, don't get me wrong; and I wouldn't go back to my old job for ANYTHING. But while trying to hold my family together - alone - and trying to handle the on-air and programming stuff, I also end up confidante to my team members, am responsible for keeping an eye on the bottom line, have to see that the bills are paid and trying to be cheerleader and taskmistress, if you will. It's one heck of a balancing act some days. Add to that the technical issues of the past week and some peripheral little crap, and I was a basket case by the time everything was said and done!
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )