Radiogurl a la Carte

Saturday, Oct. 01, 2005

Life is like a box of chocolates. It gets sticky and everything melts together if you leave it out in the sunlight for too long, until all you have left is a gooey, moldy, rotting mess.

It's been one of the oddest days I've spent in a long while. I knew I was physically and emotionally drained, with all that's happened over the past few weeks. It finally caught up to me in a big way. I crashed on the sofa last night, fell asleep in front of the television shortly after midnight, and didn't wake up until the phone rang at a little before 2 this afternoon! When I was nearly out last night, I turned the TV down and flipped it into sleep mode so it turned itself off after a few minutes.

The phone call was from my former in-laws, who wanted me to come move the washing machine out of the place my daughter vacated. They offered to buy it from me for $100, which considering it's virtually brand new, is a rip-off. I said no and that I'd come get it next weekend.

That didn't start things off well, when you consider why the damned thing was still in their place. If you'll remember, when I went down to get my things and to help 00 move a few weeks ago, 00 locked me out while screaming obscenities at me.

I needed to get out so I blew off little unimportant stuff like laundry and dishes and went to a matinee of the movie Serenity. If you haven't got a clue, it's not surprising. I didn't either until just the past few weeks. It's a big-screen spinoff of a failed television show on the Sci-Fi channel. (At least I think it originated on Sci-Fi.) It's space opera, granted - but one of the better written and acted space operas I've seen. There are some sly, bitter, brilliant asides in the dialogue and the interaction between characters is handled with an easy familiarity that's tough to pull off in your typical theatrical release.

It's got an intriguing premise, the dialogue is sharp and the plotline occasionally shaky and imminently intriguing. I don't know if you could get into it without having seen the series first or not, as I'd seen a few episodes of the television show. Then again, there only WERE a few episodes of the television show. I think maybe one of the things that makes it work is that you don't fully understand the complexity of the characters and realize that there's a heck of a lot more to learn about them.

There are no absolute heroes. Every one of these folks are misfits. They're survivors of a war - and they're on the losing team. A team where, incidentally, it's implied heavily that the wrong side won.

There's a novel idea: history as written from the side of the losing side of the battle. How often does that happen?

Anyway, while I was at the movies my cell phone rang several times. (I have it on vibrate - I am a polite movie-goer.) One of the callers was my former father-in-law, who informed me that I had to get the washer this weekend or they'd have to haul it off. Aside from the fact that it was by then 6:30pm on a Saturday and I wouldn't be able to get it tomorrow because they're preachers and won't leave church to let me get in, I couldn't get a truck at this point, nor anyone to help me move it.

So basically I was blackmailed into selling them a $500 washing machine for $100.

Maybe I should've just kept sleeping this afternoon.

It would be so easy to just give up. I've worked my ass off for my whole life and have nothing to show for it. 00 got my furniture, my TV and stereo; my in-laws will get the washing machine. God knows there's not a man in my life nor is there likely to be any time soon. I once had a fairly large settlement on a personal-injury suit, enough to buy a home anywhere in the Phoenix area and pay cash for it. The kids' dad blew it all, even though legally and morally it was my money. This while I was working to support us because, you know, he was too wonderful a soul to actually dirty himself with work.

This is the man who went to a psychic for a reading (taking money for food, money I worked to earn, to pay for the reading) and the psychic told him the reason he did drugs and hit his wife and all of the other crap that he was such a "perfect soul" that he needed those things to keep him from floating off of Earth. And no, I'm not kidding.

It's time to sign off here, before I grow any more depressed. It's senseless to keep trying to better myself. This is all there is and all there ever will be: owning nothing and having no one in my life. Better to accept that and make decisions based on that set of facts. I need to sit down and ponder my next step. I'm really, really tired of living like this.

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )