Radiogurl a la Carte

Wednesday, Dec. 07, 2005
Tears for Fears and Frauds

I have known about this for a little while but wasn't at liberty to say anything until now. If you haven't already read arc-angel666's diary (I generally call him Michael here,) please go read his latest entry and send him and his family your prayers, whether or not you post a note to him. He lost his wife to cancer several years ago and now his only child, an adult son, has terminal cancer. The son has been given a very, very short life expectancy. Michael is understandably beyond heartbroken, and those of us who care about him are heartbroken for him and for his family.

On top of everything else, Michael is from New Orleans and lost friends and family in Katrina. 2005 started out for him with a life-threatening illness of his own. This year has not been kind to him.

I won't spout some platitude this time on how everything happens for a reason, but I will say that if you have the opportunity to tell someone that you love them today, do it. You never know when your opportunity might be taken away from you, and you'll spend the rest of your life regretting its loss.

My own life is pretty damned mundane in comparison and I thank God for it. My children, to the best of my knowledge, are all relatively healthy and happy. I still worry about 00, who's still fighting depression, but I think overall she's grown a little stronger. At least I hope that she has. When she's depressed now, she calls me and we talk through her darkest points - a dramatic improvement from the time she swallowed 100 pills. That doesn't mean I don't worry; it just means I'm cautiously hopeful.

Mr. Complicated is still a factor in my life; I hear from him, in one capacity or another, every day. (And in his case, after nearly three months, it is EVERY day.) I am not ruling out a future there; there are certainly enough indications that it's possible and even likely. Neither am I ready to jump head-first into something that could be yet another person playing games, even when everything points to the opposite.

Yeah, jaded is the name of the game. Or at least huge doses of caution. I have days that I feel very positive about that situation, don't get me wrong; and there are days like today when I am ready to dismiss everything as a scam - even the things that I know are true.

Part of the problem today is that something in Mr. Complicated's life resurrected a particularly sensitive part of my own history. It was a little like someone struck a match, flayed away the top layer of my skin and set every one of my nerve endings on fire. The result was predictable; my walls went up at the speed of light, shutting out anything and everything. When something hurts that badly, my only possible reaction is to stop feeling anything.

No, it isn't even something Mr. Complicated did and I don't hold him accountable for it. But it still hit me hard and I spent a few hours last night curled up in a ball in my bed and sobbing, just before I went into emotional hibernation again.

I'll get past it; I don't have the luxury of retreating fully into my coccoon, as I've done in the past. It's either the blessing or the curse of my present job, I haven't yet figured out which: I work with my best friend, who will make it her personal pet project to work on ME if she catches on - and make no mistake, she will.

From personally depressing stories to a national one:

This time the complaints about the US ballot comes from inside the company that builds the vote-counting machines. There were a whole lot of irregularities in the last Presidential election, but the major US media didn't deem the fact worthy of note.

In that article, the Diebold insider quotes tests showing it took less than one minute to hack into the system and tamper with results. Pretty much what I'd already been told, and what other folks had been screaming for a while. The story's significant, but I still don't see it running on CNN. I emailed it to CNN through their news tips page - I'm betting it isn't run - or if so it's buried somewhere with a one-line mention. Any takers on the bet?

Mind you, this was the election in which George Dubya Bush declared that the US citizenry had given him a mandate.

Personally I think he was right; I just think the mandate that the voters actually gave him was, "Get OUT!"

Unfortunately we'll never know. Chances are, even if by some miracle one of the major media outlets picks up the story and it launches a full-scale investigation, it's too late into the picture to expect any changes. You can bet that the actual vote of the people won't be considered an important detail in things. The best (and I use the phrase very loosely) outcome we could expect would be that Bush would be ousted and his vice president thrown into office. Or if we revisit the Nixon administration, that the torch is passed to whatever crony is next in line. Something tells me that's not going to put the country into better hands.

Mind you, I am not sure Kerry is all that great, either, even if there was a mind-boggling transfer of power on that level. Face it: the only people with a shot at the presidency are the professional politicians. And y'all already know what I think of those.

I personally liked Dean, but he didn't have a prayer. He didn't have the clout to fix an election. He might even have been honest enough not to attempt it.

What a concept: an honest President. Think the country would survive?

In all seriousness, I am not sure that Dean would be an effective President; not because I think he's stupid or that I disagree with his platform. Nothing that lofty. He just hasn't bribed connections in Washington, as far as I know, and Congress would probably thumb its sepia nose at him. (You know that they're so hoity-toity that they wouldn't settle for just "brown," after all!)

And just to end this entry on an upbeat note, I decided it's long past time for me to jump on the bandwagon with the latest meme, one that's proven to be a lot of fun. I lifted it from several folks who've posted it before, the most recent being augustdreams:

The Instructions:
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your diary and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )