Radiogurl a la Carte

Tuesday, Mar. 20, 2007

My Pet-Peeve-O-Meter is set on overload.

I adore MC, don't get me wrong. I don't want a divorce, though now and again I'm all for throttling the man. Toby the Wonder Dog is on my short list of "will kill at earliest opportunity" victims. MC flat out refused tonight to put the dog down, claiming Toby doesn't whine at all while I'm at work. Aside from the fact that isn't a way to endear yourself to your new wife, it's also a bald-faced lie. Our hostess told me otherwise and she's got nothing to gain by lying to me.

MC also has developed an annoying habit of slapping down any goals I attempt to set. Yes, I am perfectly well aware that we can't afford to go out and buy a new house right now. I know that. I am not disputing the fact. But for pity's sake, stop giving me grief for trying to plan ahead, and for having the temerity to assess what's out there. I'm working my ass off, as usual. Window shopping is free. As long as I'm not hiring a realtor or applying for a loan, leave me the hell alone and let me try to work toward that end. Because dammit, I'm sick as shit of living with other people.

Since we've arrived here, MC has gradually withdrawn from me, which isn't helping the situation any, either. I am not jealous of his ex girlfriend, who's related to our hosts. But I'm already by definition an outsider, and he's not helping that situation whatsoever.

I'm just blowing off steam tonight, don't mind me. I'm just tired of fighting NOT to be drop-kicked into another depressive episode, and it ain't helping to discover that my one steadfast supporter has abdicated.

The constant [now several weeks straight] low-level headache also isn't much help. I know the cause, or at least part of it: I need new glasses. I made an appointment for Saturday for an eye exam, but not sure I'll be able to afford to actually get glasses for several more weeks yet. At the same time, considering what I now do for a living, I'm not sure I can afford NOT to go ahead and get new glasses. Catch 22 there.

It's not the Iritis/Uvitis again, thank goodness, though I suspect the papilledema has returned. Not like I can do anything about either except grin and bear it. (Iritis/Uvitis is a pretty identifiable thing. It feels like the insides of your eyelids are filled with sand.) If you look up papilledema, you'll notice that finding the cause can be a life-saving factor. They never found a cause with me. I'm not sure I care any more, I'm so sick and tired of this incessant merry-go-round of work, being thrown on somebody else's mercy, more work, and going absolutely nowhere.

I don't have the luxury of retiring or even cutting back. I have to ramp it up, new job and all that jazz. And while I stopped short of saying so to him directly, I've stopped holding out much hope of MC working any time soon. Even if he does, he won't be contributing to us as a couple. He's attached to the family where we're staying, and his loyalty to them comes before any loyalty to me. By several notches, as it turns out.

I have realized that once more, if I want to do anything I will simply have to handle it myself. I am back to not counting on anybody else, thank you very much. Which is fine. I've lived that for the better part of my life and it's well within my comfort zone.

It's not the end of the world and at least by now it's a familiar process. And for what it's worth, this area still offers me more opportunities here than in Tombstone and vicinity. I can comfortably afford a 2 bedroom apartment here in town on what I will be making. A one bedroom will be a piece of cake, but I want a second room so I can bring 00 here. Hopefully she can get a job and a car, not necessarily in that order.

There is also still a very real possibility I may be able to buy a tax-repo trailer, particularly if it's only 00 and me. If I can sock back a few hundred bucks and get a place where my space rent is all I pay, it would be heaven, dump or not.

If MC decides to move with me, that would be wonderful. If not, that's his decision. I once thought I knew what he'd choose. Now I'm not at all sure.

I'm tired tonight, and frustrated in a few hundred different ways, so please keep that in mind while reading. This is my spot to vent, and I'm not saying a tenth of what really comes to mind. There are other people who I'm tempted to vent about, but it's not worth my energy. I'm going to bed. The only question remaining is whether I'll be sleeping in the house or go throw a pillow in the back of the truck. The latter's looking mighty attractive lately.

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )