Monday, Jul. 26, 2004
I survived today, and that's no small thing considering everything thrown at me.
Woke this morning at 2:30AM and couldn't go back to sleep. By about 3:30 I just gave up and got up and started working from home. I already has a handful of stuff written and printed before I ever drove in to work. That's the upside - or downside, depending on your point of view - of having a VPN. I can type something at home, then either email it to myself and download to a machine at work, or post on the studio webpage and print from there. Either way, it's nice having it there waiting so I don't have to do it there.
Did the morning zoo without too many hitches. Considering I was running the place alone and also updating the website while I went, during the MORNING show (any station's busiest time), I guess I did okay. Phones were ringing off the hook, too, between people wondering where Boss was and people wanting to know more about XX newstory or XX obituary or XX contest. If I did the job for a few days I'd be able to get into the swing of things so I could do it in my sleep but it's always a challenge to try and cover 100% of the bases after being largely off the air for several months at a time.
Finally finished up my last news story tonight at just before 10PM. Not my best time, not my worst.
Meanwhile, Youngest Daughter IM'ed to inform me that her roommate had kicked her out (big surprise there - NOT) and that she couldn't understand why I wouldn't bend over and... well, why I wouldn't let mer move back in with me.
The kid just doesn't get it and I am guessing she never will. Instead of owning up to the fact that she completely screwed up her life, she pointed out that it was my fault because I didn't discipline her.
I tried reasoning with her, even to the point of modifying my stance somewhat, but she never got it. Not even when I pointed out that hauling her ass to juvenile court would be discipline even in the mind of a sadist. Not even when I pointed out that I wasn't physically strong enough to spank her, and that she completely ignored any restrictions on privileges.
Of course while this was all going on, my life was one round of merriment after another. I was only averaging 60-70 hours of work a week, sometimes more, plus for part of it a 2-hour commute. I went without food and purchased haute couture from the local thrift store.
Yeah, as a mother I am a total loser. I don't even care any more. I did my best and as with so much else, my best isn't good enough. All this kid's attitudes and BS are my fault. Well you know something? She's right. It is my fault I gave birth to her. It is my fault for marrying her loser of a dad, the man she so resembles in looks and in attitudes. It is my fault that I had to fight for five years (and two more children, including her) to get a tubal ligation because my husband never worked and I couldn't afford insurance and the state wouldn't perform voluntary sterilizations. It's my fault for not having the courtesy to die before she drew breath.
Know what? TOUGH SHIT.
I can't walk out of work right now. While I'm none to thrilled with some aspects of it, I won't leave Boss where things are - he would be totally screwed, and that's not something I could live with. For all the crap I've taken, he's also bailed me out more than once. (No, not out of jail. I didn't kill my kids. They're still around to drive me nuts, remember?)
But the last straw has fallen and this back's officially broken. I gotta get us onto a more stable OS for the radio station, and then I am saying sayonara for good, heading to somewhere on the farthest planet I can find and taking up residence as a confirmed hermit.
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )