Radiogurl a la Carte

Saturday, Nov. 27, 2004
The Fine Art of Snoring

Awww - A quick note of thanks to Michael, who asked me to the next Thanksgiving mud games, telling me I wouldn't have to do anything but have a good time. Very sweet offer, but in reality I love to cook. I just prefer to do so when I don't have to go in to work at 4:30-ish in the morning!

Fortunately today (well, technically yesterday, since it's now 3am) was vastly better than the holiday. I got my check from the Associated Press for the election coverage. While it's not a lot of money, it was still good timing. It went partly toward Christmas stuff, partly toward food, and looks like part will go to buying diapers for the baby. I had to buy her clothes again because her daddy brought her up with nothing - again. This time the new clothes are staying here, period.

After my granddaughter went to bed, since Youngest Daughter claimed the computer (her 'just five minutes to check my email lasted from about 9:30pm to 1:30am,) I did something I haven't done in more years than I can count. I put up a Christmas tree.

Last year at this point in time, there were four of us in a one-bedroom apartment that was less than 400sf. A Christmas tree was out of the question. The prior several years were no better. But this year I just said, "Screw it, I'm getting a tree!"

And I did. It's a Wal Mart special artificial monster, will probably shed as bad as a real tree, but hey - it's a tree. My granddaughter will love ripping off the decorations and hopefully I have it set up so she can't get to the electrical outlet to play with the lights. I have a hodgepodge of decorations. I don't know where most of them even came from. I thought I had an angel tree-topper. Guess that has to wait. But by golly, we've got a tree this year! I'm feeling almost human. I'll get a star or an angel, something for the tree, when I get paid Friday. Probably won't go too crazy because I'm also *gasp* getting presents for all the kids and grandkids. And I guess I'll pick up something for my dad and his new wife, too, though I have no idea what to get for them.

I am extremely glad it's the weekend. I am also glad that while I did have to go in early to work Thanksgiving Day, I did have most of the day off and got the chance to do some serious sleeping. And by being late to dinner, meaning everything was cold or already gone, it meant I didn't overeat. No guilt for the annual Thanksgiving dinner! How many people can say that?

I am saddened by the loss of a friend - not to death, but I believe to bipolar disease. I've been dealing with this lady for years now. I love her to death, but she's cyclic in moments of complete irrationality, and it's a situation that's escalated to profound dimensions lately. She rejects sound advice in favor of outrageous machinations. Unfortunately she requires professional help, and I can't give her that. I finally hit the point where, for my own self-preservation, I had to walk away. I told her - honestly - that I hope she finds happiness. I hope that she deals with a psychiatrist who gets the opportunity to track her cycles, because as is typical with bipolar disease, she has prolongued periods when her behavior is perfectly normal. Then there are the other times...

It didn't occur to me what was happening until yesterday. Then everything sort of clicked. I dealt with it to a lesser degree with someone else I knew; this pattern is all too tragically familiar. I hope that this lady gets help who will stick to her like glue, because sadly, most people who are bipolar have an extremely difficult time both with the initial diagnosis, and with long-term management of the disease. Yeah, I know. I'm not a qualified physician and can't make a diagnosis. Whether or not bipolar is to blame in this case, this lady is dealing with some personal demons of astronomical magnitude.

I've had to hit this point with other people. I will do my best to help, but there comes a point when I have to walk away. That point is when I realize that not only can I not help, but my attempts to assist are probably actually hindering someone from seeking the help that they need.

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face tonight because my heart aches for this lady, for my friend, and I know I'm helpless to do anything about it. My only option was to walk away and hope that sooner or later she will find someone who can identify and treat the underlying issues.

Well, it's late and I'm dead on my feet. I've stopped looking for anything from the publisher and I'm assuming that either my story was lost in the mail or my rejection letter was lost in the mail. Either way, time to stop looking for anything from that source. I still need to get a car, and in order to do that, I need to get Youngest Daughter out on her own. Therefore I won't be getting a car any time soon.

I know there was something else that I wanted to mention, but at this point I'm too tired to remember it. Night, world. Radiogurl is going to take up the fine art of snoring for the night.

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )