Sunday, Jul. 25, 2004
I forgot to mention in my last entry that we found out the car is fixable. The water pump died and caused the cascade that finally blew out the head gasket, but the block didn't crack and apparently everything else looked reasonably decent. It won't last me a whole lot longer, but if I'm lucky it will get me through until I can save up enough to get something newer. I should have it back in a couple of weeks, give or take - the downside to getting the work done for free is I have to wait for the shop to do things in their downtime.
But there's still a lot to be said for free...
So far things are looking a little better at the radio station. 00 went through and rewrote some of the format in the scheduling program, and so far her work seems to be paying off. It won't stop the issues with crashing and won't put an end to the memory leak or corruption of the Windows indexing system, but at least the stuff that does play goes on-air on time.
Boss had better damned well appreciate her. If it weren't for her I'd already have walked a couple of times.
Finally pounded out a short story I'm submitting for publication. No, I won't post any links here. I sold out. It's a romance, because that happens to be the outlet I'm submitting to. I hate writing romance. I suck at writing romance. But money is money and if it sells, it's $1000 in my pocket. A couple of sales and I'll start hunting for an agent. Then I have to get my ass in gear and get the novel finished, no backing down. If I have deadlines and am actually seeing results, I'll do what needs to be done, get stuff written, and hopefully eventually see some financial returns for what I've written.
I don't expect to get rich, but a friend of mine says they wrote a minor text and get enough residuals to be able to take friends out to dinner every now and then. I figure money is money, particularly after the work is done. Of course I'd also be perfectly happy to give J. K. Rowling a run at top-selling status. Wouldn't that be a kicker? Unlikely, granted, but a fun pipe dream.
I still haven't found some papers I spent all night Thursday looking for. It was during that search I found plenty that I did not want to find, which was the subject of the entry I deleted. Part of what I found was some of 00's stash. Not her boyfriend's this time, this was hers. It wasn't pot, either.
It was the last straw for me and what made me realize I'm not going to ever be able to see my kids grow up into decent citizens, no matter what I do for them. They are their father's children and from everything I can tell, only one - if that - has any of my personality whatsoever. It doesn't matter that they witnessed, up close and personal, the outcome of their father's addictions. It doesn't matter that they've been taught differently all their lives. They still do what they want to do at the moment and the rest of the world be damned. I don't intend to stick around and wait for the inevitable phone call to bail one of them out of jail for possession - or worse, a phone call notifying me that my kid's overdose put them in the hospital. Or the mortuary.
I won't rant tonight, as I'm no longer at the point of having my heart ripped open and raw and bleeding. Now I am merely tired and resigned. In reality, that discovery allows me to close the final door and say no more.
Once the vehicle is operational I'll start working hard toward getting things together in preparation for a move. This week will be the challenge - I'll be pulling such long hours I don't know exactly how I'll survive, but it will also give me the opportunity to build a stronger audition CD if I continue in radio.
I went to take one test and ended up taking another, discovering that I am Tuesday Addams:
Isn't that special?
Before - After
In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )