Radiogurl a la Carte

Sunday, Jun. 13, 2004

It's Sunday night, not quite Monday morning. I think I'm getting better. Went to the grocery store earlier tonight, and while I'd broken out in a cold sweat before getting back to my car, at least I made it. Got some things I really couldn't afford to put off any longer, then came home. Unfortunately couldn't find the low-carb cereal I wanted. I can't abide the Atkins brand stuff. I don't like sweetened cereal and theirs is the absolute worst. But there's a low-carb hot cereal that's excellent - only the only store that carries it was out. Darn it.

By taking a couple of breaks along the way, I managed to get my dishes done and get a bath, then just took two more of those 'severe cold' capsules, so I know I will be sleeping shortly. They always knock me out.

I really can't stay home from work another day so I tried to get out and move around a bit today. And so far I'm doing more or less okay. We'll see what happens by tomorrow, though. I thought I was doing better Thursday and got a crash course Friday on why you stay home until you're sure you're well.

Tomorrow will be a hellaciously long day, as my Mondays always are. I am supposed to cover arraignments in the morning, go back and produce the news for the afternoon, then be back at a Chamber of Commerce meeting from 3-4:30, go back to pick my daughter up and go home at 5, then a City Council meeting at 6. And after the City Council meeting, come home and write and produce THOSE stories for the Tuesday morning news. All I can say is that I'm glad most of it will be spent sitting down.

Youngest Daughter will be here tonight, is moving back in with me. Ugh. I love my kids, all of them, but this child is hell on wheels even without the wheels. I am not looking forward to her being here - I already know it will be WWIII in the space of a day or two and won't be better until one of us moves out. And that doesn't count the fights with 00 and Pipeboy, which are also inevitable. This girl can't get along with a soul.

Only saving grace is that this time it may very well be me who moves. I am going to try to sock away some money and not let the kids know I've got it. I intend to start putting deposits in a separate bank account and pretend it doesn't exist, in hopes I can put back enough to get the heck out of this pit sooner or later.

My children are all over 18 now and I've done the mom thing for nearly 26 years - it's time for me to finally do the things for ME. I would like to be able to retire before I'm 90, maybe take a vacation someday. I don't need a lot of frills but I also don't need the grief that I know is heading my direction tonight.

My kids talk about how hard they've got it now. I had three children by the time I was my oldest son's age, and was supporting them alone. He and his wife just graduated and are now working toward their masters' degrees. I had to ultimately support a family of six alone, because their dad never held a job.

My youngest son - the one who wanted to borrow $100 - is in school and working. He rarely asks for help but with youngest daughter coming it effectively eliminates the slightest opportunity for me TO help him. She will suck me dry. I know her all too well. I'll be telling her, however, that she has basically two options - either she walks the two blocks to get a job at Wal Mart, or she has one month to get her own place. And maybe both.

I can't afford the antidepressants I'd have to take to deal with her long-term. Not to mention the wear-and-tear on every other aspect of my life.

If that makes me a bad parent, so be it. I know my limits and have exceeded them a few times too many. I'm already overworked and overstressed and it isn't helping them if they don't have enough gumption to acquire their own sense of responsibility and I collapse again.

LATE EDIT: Good news. Youngest daughter arrived with the announcement that she will only be here for a week. (Yes, you did hear me shout in pure joy.) She has other arrangements made which could include a job, and which will mean youngest son becomes her roommate, which would help them both. God is sometimes merciful, it seems.

Before - After

In the grander scheme of things, no soul can truly be replaced. Each one of us has a place in the universal tapestry. We each contribute our own color and texture. When one thread is snipped too soon, it distorts all the threads around it. Other lives can unravel and tear. If the wrong thread is ripped away, the whole fabric of life becomes dangerously fragile.
- LeiLani, aka Radiogurl aka Bright Opal (1957 - )